Prescription

“I told you all!”

Arnold Cunningham is, shockingly, NOT in a suit of such a putrid color that it makes your eyes tear up and beg to be ripped out, but is instead in a doctor’s coat, along with a stethoscope around his neck and one of those shining things on his head that haven’t been used in at least four generations.

“It told you all that puro had a SICKNESS and I, as the SPOKESMAN of Xpress Fighting Systems, had the CURE! And that CURE was none other than the NEW and FIRST EVER Royal Road Champion, the MOUNTAIN NAKAMA!”

The camera backs up so that we can see the named man towering over the bespeckled Cunningham. With bright blue eyes and a frock of startling white hair, Shinjiro Nakama stands tall with his arms crossed over his broad chest, blocking out the #SwoleLikeNakama decal we know is on his black shirt, and the the Royal Road Championship around his waist.

“And thankfully for ALL of puroresu, I have a NEW PRESCRIPTION for ALL of your ills! Because while we ALL know that so-called ‘champions’ like the men who are SUPPOSEDLY the Heavyweight and Light Heavyweight ‘champions’ get to PICK and CHOOSE when they defend their titles and get to take ALL of the smaller tours off, the brilliant minds at Max-J have giving the people the REAL hero they need. Because THIS man, THIS Mountain, THIS hero, THIS CURE, is ready, willing, and ABLE to defend his championship ANY time, ANY place! There is NO taking time off because the show is in a smaller venue! There is NO deciding that he will wait for a larger crowd! Because THIS cure is for EVERYONE in Japan!

“And it all begins in Sweden when we take that PIPSQUEAK Minamoto and show him that, no matter WHAT that pencil-necked GEEK Bentley thinks about his SO-CALLED stand out performance during the last few tours, there is only ONE performance that matters! That of the man who will defend his Royal Road championship not once...but TWICE! Because Stockholm leads France, where the Mountain will drive his knee SO HARD into the face of that LOSER’S ROAD cast-off AJ Knight that even his own Mama will put him out to pasture. Because THAT is what the MOUNTAIN does, Ladies and Gentlemen. He takes the CANCER that is the mediocre, he takes the SICKNESS that is everyday, and the ERASES IT with the precision of a laser!”

Cunningham reaches up and slaps the champion on his shoulder.

“Tell ‘em, big man!”

Nakama stands silently as the camera focuses on him, but then his gravelly voice booms in the room.

“Europe. I come. I will take Ravenna. I will take Ishii. I will show true power. Lead them to victory. And leave bodies broken. Then go to London. Show the world the beauty...and power...of the Mountain.”

Cunningham cackles and claps his hands together.

“That’s right, Ladies and Gentlemen! Whether it is in tag matches with the likes of professionals or students, my man here will ALWAYS be the star! He will ALWAYS be the attraction! He will ALWAYS be the reason people FLOCK into the buildings Max-J books! Because HIS power is awesome! HIS might is indomitable! HIS blood will SAVE this business! And it is through HIS wake that ALL of puro will find their way back to sickness!

“So fear naught, all of you poor people who find themselves hacking and wheezing, who can’t see because your eyes are filled with tears and who can’t move because your body aches. ALL of your ills will be gone...because of THIS man! ALL of your pains will be relieved...because of THIS man! And when we run out? When we get to the end of the tour? Worry naught, you fine puro fans!”

He rubs his hands together for a moment and then points down to the Royal Road Championship around Nakama’s waist.

“This prescription has UNLIMITED refills! To please, everyone, take two Nakamas but don’t bother calling me in the morning, because with THE MOUNTAIN as your healthcare provider, this is ALL you need!”

Cunningham leans back and cackles uproariously as Nakama stares stoically.