Post by xpressfighting on May 6, 2019 22:50:25 GMT -5
***THE FOLLOWING IS AN XPRESS FIGHTING SYSTEMS PROMOTIONAL VIDEO***
Arnold Cunningham, unstoppable voice of the Xpress Fighting Systems workhorses and hosses, is dressed in the explosively loud suit which the Max Pro audience would normally associate with him, today’s number being bright pink with a canary yellow tie and matching tassels on his shoulders (yes, tassels!), but his outfit includes something new: One of those visors that tax accountants used to use way back in the day, along with a MASSIVE pad of paper in his hand.
“THIS, ladies and gentlemen!”
He shakes the papers in his hands, the shuffle of paper-on-paper action filling the air.
“THIS is something that NO ONE expected! THIS is something that NONE of the so-called ‘competitors’ of either Max Pro OR that two-bit three-ring CIRCUS known as Lion’s Road could have EVER prepared for! Because THIS-”
He shakes the papers even more, some falling from the pile and making their lazy way to the floor.
“-is the PROOF in the PUDDING! The EXCEPTION that PROVES the rule! The REASON for the BEATINGS of the SEASON! THIS-”
He raises the papers above his head, more finding their way out of the pile.
“-is the DATA, the SWEET MOTHER LOAD OF QUANTIFIABLE TRUTH, that there is only ONE MAN in ALL of puro who is the face! Who is the object of the DESIRE of women and the IDOLATRY of men! Who is the HERO of every fan in the crowd!”
With a mad laugh, Cunningham pulls the papers down to him and begins to thumb through.
“With a proud THANK YOU to the team over at CoolRankings, THE preeminent professional wrestling data crunchers in the sport, I have here something that NO ONE can dispute! That NO ONE can avoid! That NO ONE can even HIDE from! Because THIS MAN...RIGHT HERE!”
The camera pans to the side...and up...because you knew that was coming...to find the silent Shinjiro Nakama standing, his arms folded in front of his latest #MountainSwole t-shirt, the MAX Royal Road title belt slung over one of his broad shoulders. The pale hand of Cunningham grabs the lens and pulls it back to himself and he motions with the stack of papers.
“I know that there are people in ALL of puro who, in a DESPERATE and PATHETIC need to find validation for themselves, DARE to BESMIRCH the good name of-”
He leans forward and back to take in a deep breath.
“-THE MMMMMMOOOOOUUNNNNNTAAAAAAAAIN-”
Another deep breath as we all shake our collective ears.
“-with LIES and SLANDER! They hope and PRAY that NO ONE will no the TRUTH, but again, thanks to the BEAUTIFUL women over at CoolRankings, the FACTS are in my hand! And the FACTS are that NO ONE in Max Pro has done ANYTHING at the level of my man Nakama! You see, since he debuted at last year’s Pyramid Grappling League, the MOUNTAIN has fought FORTY ONE times! FORTY ONE! NO ONE in Max Pro can say the same! And in those FORTY ONE matches, Nakama...the mountain...the MEASURING STICK...has won an ASTOUNDING THIRTY of them! And that INCLUDES SIX...count ‘em-”
He ticks off the numbers on his fingers.
“One...two...three...four...five…SIX title match victories! He has been a BULWARK of this company and ALL of puro in a way that NO ONE can touch! Not ZENKI and the Idiot Brigade! Not Hammerstein and those dirty, disGUSTING gaijin. No some moronic child in a mask flying around the ring like an ape! NO SIR! He has TROUNCED his competition all THROUGHOUT his stay in Max!”
He again ticks of his fingers.
“Pyramid Tag League. J-1 Summit. Attack of the Castle. Tiger’s Festival. Three Kingdoms. The ENTIRE Toukon Road! And while...yes...his DOMINANCE in singles matches helped him SKYROCKET to the Toukon Road Cup with the ease of a lion having his way with a bunny rabbit, it was be a failure of ANY intelligence to not think that he is going to CRUSH all of his tag team opponents before MAULING the next challenger to his championship! Because in his incomparable SIXTEEN tag matches for Max, he’s only lost five, and that was with a PLETHORA of different partners!
“Be prepared to lose EVERY tag match on the road to this Brave New World, all you scrawny geeks out there! Because THIS man is the workhorse AND the measuring stick for ALL of puroresu!”