Post by Mike Musket on Jul 24, 2018 8:29:02 GMT -5
It’s a damn cloudy day out on Fuji Mountain but Mike, Crazy Dog, and Sagara Fusanosuke a/k/a Bootsy Mitchell have gone out on a hike. The hatchets on Mike’s belt jingle as they hold up his dusty britches.
Bootsy sighs as he stares down at his phone.
“Mike-san, I have swiped right many times but girls don’t seem to respond – ”
Mike stops dead in his tracks. He grabs Bootsy by the collar of his brown polo shirt and the three amigos duck behind a rock.
Big Ole Country whispers.
“Turn off yer damn whore-findin device, Bootsy. Look out over in that field!”
Mike and Bootsy poke their heads up from the rock while Crazy Dog peers around the rock’s corner. Out there in the field a Japanese black bear stands up on its haunches in front of an injured baby deer with its leg caught in a poacher’s trap.
“Now’s our chance, Bootsy!”
“To save the deer?”
Mike clinches a powerful, meaty fist and grins.
“To finally get the chance to wallop a black bear with this sweet lariat o’ mine!”
“WHAT?!”
The bear turns its head and the three amigos duck behind the rock before the creature discovers them.
“Goddamn Bootsy, keep yer damn voice down.”
“Mike-san… it is insane to hit a bear.”
Mike’s gaze becomes steely.
“I got this damn J1 SUMMIT comin’ up. Man it’s stocked with tough sumbitches like a fishery got rainbow trout. You got the Great Hog Hammerswine and he’s ornery as a demon in a ditch. I mean he’s snortin’ that fancy stuff. And Mr. Shimada, they say he’s got some dog in him. I dunno bout that, he seems kinda like a fancy pants street dancer to me, but we’ll see.”
Mike pokes his head back over the rock to catch observe the bear’s whereabouts. It has returned its attention to the deer. Mike crouches back down.
“And there’s this Daichi boy. They call him a Thunder Beast, but goddamn he looks like a boulder with legs, that boy so stout he could a snap the waistband on a pair of fat pants. You know just from looking at him he could take a bull by the horns and steer him down to the dirt. And then we got my good buddy, Zenki. He’s the champ now and by god he’s got the eyes of a mad owl.”
“A mad owl?”
Mike nods.
“You betcha. A mad owl that has looked in yer soul and is like, ‘yep. I’mma take that soul you got, thank ya kindly.’ I tell ya ZENKI is on another level now, Bootsy… and that’s why I got hit that bear with my lariat.”
“Mike-san, that makes no sense. I don’t think – ”
But Mike has already leapt up over the rock and goes flying across the grass. He’s got a lot of downhill momentum and with his hatchet a-jingling, the bear starts to turn but it’s too late! Mike jumps up and smacks across the side of his head with a lariat! The bear teeters over backward, losing its balance. By the time it gets its senses, Mike is running for dear life into the woods as the creature gallops in pursuit.
Bootsy takes this time to run out with Crazy Dog and free the dear. He scoops it up in his arms and carries it back to camp. There they wait for many hours until Mike comes back all muddied up but still in one piece. Crazy Dog rushes up to him and Mike pets his head with a smile.
“Mike-san, how did you escape the bear?”
Mike sits down on a log next to the fire.
“Well Bootsy, let’s just say that bears can swim just fine, but they can’t dodge hatchets too good!”
Mike’s hatchet is conspicuously absent as he warms his hands by the fire.
“Yeah Bootsy… I feel ready for the J1 SUMMIT now. And you, you showed some bravery my Japanese friend. Forget about them streetwalkers you’re chattin up on that contraption of yours. Just keep livin the mountain life, punching bears and savin’ creatures from peril and you’ve got all you need!”
Bootsy nods and the three friends start wiping down the cast-iron griddle and other cooking gear so they can eat a big meal after a big day.
Bootsy sighs as he stares down at his phone.
“Mike-san, I have swiped right many times but girls don’t seem to respond – ”
Mike stops dead in his tracks. He grabs Bootsy by the collar of his brown polo shirt and the three amigos duck behind a rock.
Big Ole Country whispers.
“Turn off yer damn whore-findin device, Bootsy. Look out over in that field!”
Mike and Bootsy poke their heads up from the rock while Crazy Dog peers around the rock’s corner. Out there in the field a Japanese black bear stands up on its haunches in front of an injured baby deer with its leg caught in a poacher’s trap.
“Now’s our chance, Bootsy!”
“To save the deer?”
Mike clinches a powerful, meaty fist and grins.
“To finally get the chance to wallop a black bear with this sweet lariat o’ mine!”
“WHAT?!”
The bear turns its head and the three amigos duck behind the rock before the creature discovers them.
“Goddamn Bootsy, keep yer damn voice down.”
“Mike-san… it is insane to hit a bear.”
Mike’s gaze becomes steely.
“I got this damn J1 SUMMIT comin’ up. Man it’s stocked with tough sumbitches like a fishery got rainbow trout. You got the Great Hog Hammerswine and he’s ornery as a demon in a ditch. I mean he’s snortin’ that fancy stuff. And Mr. Shimada, they say he’s got some dog in him. I dunno bout that, he seems kinda like a fancy pants street dancer to me, but we’ll see.”
Mike pokes his head back over the rock to catch observe the bear’s whereabouts. It has returned its attention to the deer. Mike crouches back down.
“And there’s this Daichi boy. They call him a Thunder Beast, but goddamn he looks like a boulder with legs, that boy so stout he could a snap the waistband on a pair of fat pants. You know just from looking at him he could take a bull by the horns and steer him down to the dirt. And then we got my good buddy, Zenki. He’s the champ now and by god he’s got the eyes of a mad owl.”
“A mad owl?”
Mike nods.
“You betcha. A mad owl that has looked in yer soul and is like, ‘yep. I’mma take that soul you got, thank ya kindly.’ I tell ya ZENKI is on another level now, Bootsy… and that’s why I got hit that bear with my lariat.”
“Mike-san, that makes no sense. I don’t think – ”
But Mike has already leapt up over the rock and goes flying across the grass. He’s got a lot of downhill momentum and with his hatchet a-jingling, the bear starts to turn but it’s too late! Mike jumps up and smacks across the side of his head with a lariat! The bear teeters over backward, losing its balance. By the time it gets its senses, Mike is running for dear life into the woods as the creature gallops in pursuit.
Bootsy takes this time to run out with Crazy Dog and free the dear. He scoops it up in his arms and carries it back to camp. There they wait for many hours until Mike comes back all muddied up but still in one piece. Crazy Dog rushes up to him and Mike pets his head with a smile.
“Mike-san, how did you escape the bear?”
Mike sits down on a log next to the fire.
“Well Bootsy, let’s just say that bears can swim just fine, but they can’t dodge hatchets too good!”
Mike’s hatchet is conspicuously absent as he warms his hands by the fire.
“Yeah Bootsy… I feel ready for the J1 SUMMIT now. And you, you showed some bravery my Japanese friend. Forget about them streetwalkers you’re chattin up on that contraption of yours. Just keep livin the mountain life, punching bears and savin’ creatures from peril and you’ve got all you need!”
Bootsy nods and the three friends start wiping down the cast-iron griddle and other cooking gear so they can eat a big meal after a big day.